By Courtney McLaughlin,
LCSW, CDP
Many of us remember our school days fondly as a time before the pressures of adult responsibilities and obligations. We may even think of them as some of our happiest times and most formative memories. Because of that, it may be frustrating to see your child struggling with the return to school. Whether they’re overwhelmed by the rigors of the classroom and hours of homework, navigating the perils of adolescent friendships and social media, generally frustrated with “stupid” classes and “boring” teachers, or genuinely worried about the seemingly endless school shootings and threats of violence against schools, it’s clear many kids aren’t living the carefree life we may recall.
The temptation to minimize our kids’ concerns as irrational or dramatic can be hard to overcome. We might think we’re teaching valuable lessons about perspective, gratitude, or the unfairness of life at a time when what they might need is security, guidance, and empathy. So how do we balance supporting our children and holding them accountable to their learning? Consider a few things:
School is the work of childhood. Consider how you feel about your 9-5 and how you’d feel if coming home didn’t mean your work day was over. Instead of trying to convince your child they’re looking at it wrong, try listening actively to their concerns and validating their feelings. Something like, “It sounds like math class was really frustrating for you today,” or “Wow, that sounds really annoying,” can make them feel heard and understood, which is an important foundation for coming to you with bigger problems.
Time management skills need to be learned. Help your child identify consistent routines for balancing homework and fun or family time that take into account what they need to do as well as what they need to be successful. This might include short breaks between assignments, additional support from you or a tutor, or even a consistent bed time routine.
Success is a process, not a product. It can be easy to get wrapped up in the pass/fail mentality and prioritize high achievement, but this can be damaging for children with anxiety or poor self-esteem. By placing emphasis on opportunities to improve and learn, we can better prepare children for real life instead of sending the message that mistakes or failures are permanent. Remember, in adult careers, we have the opportunity to check our work, collaborate with colleagues, receive criticism, and revisit projects. Mistakes are stepping stones towards a goal, not a failure. Help your child foster a growth mindset by praising their effort, acknowledging what went well, and encouraging them to consider what they might want to do differently next time.
Learning doesn’t happen under distress. If your child is truly upset or angry, they are likely not able to think logically through their situation or understand your perspective yet. Meet distress with comfort – kind words, cuddles, personal space, whatever works for your child. When they’ve calmed, then you can discuss what happened and work together to identify a solution, rather than focus on the problem.
Your goal is collaboration, not control. While we want our children to be good students, we cannot lose sight of our goal to raise them to be good adults. If we are constantly correcting their behavior, controlling their choices, and solving their problems, we limit their ability to learn to do those things independently. Put your child in the figurative driver’s seat and give them opportunities to make their own choices or come up with their own solutions, while you fulfill the co-pilot role by helping them keep priorities and responsibilities in sight and set healthy expectations for their behavior.
Partnering with your child to manage the challenge of childhood can be an incredibly rewarding process for both you and them, and can build a foundation for a strong, lasting relationship. If your child is continuing to struggle despite that partnership, help is available. Reach out to the school guidance office, a tutor, or your local counseling center and take the first step. Consider whether your child is eligible for accommodations such as a 504 plan or IEP, which may be beneficial in helping your child reach their personal and academic goals. Don’t let stigma stop you and your child from living the best life possible.
Courtney McLaughlin is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Certified Dementia Practitioner at Brownstone Center for Wellness, a mental health counseling practice that recently opened in Northfield. Her extensive clinical experience in the fields of education, mental health, traumatic brain injury, and senior care has been invaluable in serving patients of all ages as they improve their mental health. Courtney can be reached at CourtneyM@brownstonewellnesscenter.net or 609-833-1644. Brownstonewellnesscenter.net
