Family Tides By Madison Russ
It can be jarring when parents pick up their child from school or daycare, expecting hugs and a happy reunion, only to be met with tears.
But this behavior, often called “after-school restraint collapse,” is pretty common.
“Your child has spent six to eight hours following rules and social norms, sitting still, managing noises and sensory input, navigating peer relationships, controlling urges/impulses, and trying to interpret all of the demands and what is expected of them. By the end of the day, their nervous system is exhausted,” said Jasmine Ross, a local mom, occupational therapist and founder of Busy Hands Dough Co., in a written response.
“Their ‘sensory cups’ are filled to the max or are spilling over. They need a reset; they need an emotional release. So much executive functioning is happening all day that they just need to power it down,” Ross explained. “When they get home or in the car to their safe person, their body releases the stress. Meltdowns after school are not defiance — they are nervous system fatigue.”
For some children, that looks like tears. For others, irritability or shutting down.
Leslie Jespersen, an Atlantic City-based mom, founder and entrepreneur, said her two children regulated differently growing up. Her eldest would shut down and need sleep when overstimulated, while her youngest might throw a tantrum or need to leave the environment.
“They were definitely very different, even still to this day,” she said.
Though the big emotions can feel jarring, Ross said they often signal safety.
“They know that they can trust you with their emotions. What you do as the parent during this meltdown will impact how they learn to regulate as they grow and how well the rest of the night may progress,” Ross said.
Still, for exhausted parents juggling pickups, dinner and sports, the outbursts can be draining. Jespersen, whose children are now in eighth grade and college, remembers struggling.
“I was working nine-to-five, and I was so burnt out; I really struggled with having patience when I got home,” she said.
Ocean City-based mom Abbey Sangmeister, a therapist, subconscious change expert and parent coach who founded the Nature and Nurture Lab, a workshop series where kids and caregivers explore feelings and build communication and coping skills, said the time after work and school can become a second grind.
Busy weekends and overscheduling — from sports to birthday parties — can also contribute.
“I don’t think it’s the parents’ fault. I think it’s just where we are in the world. Part of what I want to teach people is that we don’t always have to be go, go, go, and it’s just become part of our nature until we burn out,” Sangmeister said, noting she’s seen clients as young as 7 experiencing burnout.
She encourages families to be intentional about decompressing and to include children in conversations about plans.
“Bring your kids into it. They also know what they need, and they can give really good feedback, even if they’re little,” Sangmeister said.
Parents should also watch for patterns, especially if a child resists a particular activity.
“A great way to talk to kids is not to sit down and stare at them. Play a game, color, get out a coloring book, and just start coloring and listening and see what kind of comes up or going for a walk with them or tossing the ball in the backyard,” she said, adding parents should keep their phones and smart watches off during this time. “That’s a great routine to have—and then be like, ‘Hey, what’s going on? I’ve noticed you haven’t wanted to go to swim.’ And see what kind of comes up. Maybe swimming is not their thing, and they haven’t had the chance to tell you. Maybe something else is going on. Maybe it’s just the time change; it could be so many different variables.”
Jespersen said that with her kids’ different personalities, preparing them and talking them through upcoming plans helped.
Sometimes, reassessing schedules can make a difference, too.
Jespersen’s experiences led her to start her own business. When she works from home now, she finishes by 2 p.m. and saves additional work for after her kids are asleep.
“I recognize not everybody has this flexibility and freedom,” Jespersen said. “But I found I would get so stressed out when I was trying to multitask instead of just actually being present. Because a lot of times these kids are tired and overstimulated, and they just need our undivided attention.”
Ross recommends focusing on connection first instead of peppering kids with questions, like saying, “I’m so happy to see you,” or “Let’s sit together for a minute.”
She also stressed meeting basic needs — food, movement, quiet or even a bathroom break — and offering regulating activities such as squeezing Play-Doh, jumping, wall pushes, heavy work such as carrying groceries or pushing a laundry basket, a warm bath or cozy corner time. A healthy and crunchy snack can also offer sensory input.
Ross, who also offers a weekly sensory class at The Kindly Co in Linwood and an after-school Busy Hands Sensory Enrichment Club, added that screen time isn’t a great regulating tool.
“It suppresses the emotions further, and that is why there’s an even bigger meltdown when it’s time to shut it off,” Ross noted.
Whether it’s a toddler insisting on carrying their own things or a grumpy child dragging their feet to practice, grace goes a long way. After all, even adults can go through this, too, after a long day.
Looking back, Jespersen said she wished she had cut herself a little more slack.
“Yes, it is good for kids to have activities. If they don’t want to do them, and everyone is exhausted and cranky, is it worth it?” she said. “I really wish I didn’t compare myself so much to what I saw other people doing online.”
Madison Russ is an award-winning journalist, copy editor and adjunct professor of communication based in Atlantic County. An Ocean City native, Madison is passionate about telling stories that matter to locals, often spotlighting nonprofits and exploring the area’s vibrant arts scene.
