By Andrew Hoffman
In my last article, I wrote about the first of three points of view that come into play with funerals. We looked at the mourner’s perspective, whether it be friend, coworker, or close acquaintance.
Now let’s switch it around from the mourner’s point of view to the family’s point of view. Meaning, I, as a member of the immediate family, receive guests coming to offer condolences on my loss. This experience was when my mother died after a battle with breast cancer. My mother was a very active women in the church and had been born and raised in the same area all her life. She was a school teacher for 32 years teaching at the same local school. Why am I telling you this? Because based on those factors alone you can imagine that she knew a lot of people. So, there would be a great number of people who would want to come to offer their condolences and pay their respects. My mother was only 61. Most in our rural area held on to traditional funeral values. I expected her viewing and service to be huge (based on my funeral director experience) and I was right.
Now, I will share something with you that may surprise you. I was anxious about all the people who were coming for the viewing and services. I hated the idea of having to talk to all those people and seeming awkward. That sounds kind of familiar, doesn’t it? A lot of people don’t come to viewings or services because they are unsure of what to say. In addition, lot of people don’t like the idea of holding services because they are unsure of what to say when they are receiving those condolences. This social awkwardness may be your brain’s attempt of try to avoid painful situations to “protect you”.
I knew it was important to honor my mother and I was a funeral director for crying out loud, so I should practice what I preach. It also helped that my father would have it no other way. So, we held a viewing the night before at the funeral home and at the church the next day. I met so many people for the first time. I had no idea who they were. Some of them were my mother’s current and former students. Some were childhood friends or family members that I never knew existed. I heard stories and memories from them that I had never heard before. Some of them would tell me stories that made me say to myself “are we talking about the same woman?” It was wonderful to see all the people that my mother touched in life. I will tell you two special moments that stand out and then I will speak about a negative or I should say a disappointment.
I remember standing up by the casket when the funeral director handed me a letter from one of my mother’s former students. It was a very heartfelt written testimony about how my mother inspired her to become a teacher. She wrote about meaningful moment in her life that was affected positively due to an interaction with my mother. It was very moving, so much so that I decided to read the letter at the funeral the next day.
The second special moment took place that night as well, when I met two co-workers of mine who had driven over an hour and a half to my mother’s viewing. They didn’t tell me they were coming, and they showed up to surprise me. We weren’t extremely close, but they came out of respect to me and to support me. It was a beautiful sentiment and I really appreciated it. I was surprised how much it meant to me actually. It gave me a cared-for feeling in my soul at a time that I was very low. It is precisely why a viewing/funeral/memorial service is so important and meaningful.
Not everything I experienced at my mother’s funeral was positive. I’ll share my disappointment in my next article. It involves some backstory.
Thank you for reading.
Andrew B. Hoffman is a funeral director at Jeffries and Keates and Keates-Plum Funeral Homes. He is a twenty-two year veteran of the funeral industry.
