Caregiving for elderly parents is something that I’m sure most people have thought about. It stirs a very different emotion, however, in those who have had to provide it. While caregivers will rarely ever express regret in providing that care, the toll it takes on them, their family, and their siblings can be long-lasting. Similar to my last article on the unpreparedness that those entering retirement typically have about the length and costs of modern retirement, so too are folks often underestimating the likelihood of needing long-term care. A 65-year-old couple today has a 71% chance of needing long-term care for at least one spouse. Many retirees appear to be completely unprepared for that high probability. Given the high number, it’s likely that one spouse will need care. The issue is simply how to plan for it.
This week, I don’t want to focus on the planning of needing care in retirement, but rather on a seldom talked about effect of providing that care: the impact on families. Invariably, one family member will often take the lead on managing care for their parents. In some cases, one sibling focuses more on the medical side of it while another sibling focuses more on the financial aspects.
For many families, it’s not so simple. Often, families face the issue of multiple siblings in multiple areas of the country, and the burden of care tends to fall onto one sibling. While other siblings often offer support, many times they don’t really understand the toll caregiving takes on the one providing it, which often leads to potential family strife either outwardly or internally. Sadly, I frequently see family relationships forever altered after the caregiving ends. The mental and emotional toll taken on the caregiver can lead to resentment towards other siblings long after the caregiving ends. The caregiver not only provides the care, but may also sacrifice their own career, earnings, retirement, and time with their own family during the period of caregiving. This is rarely fully understood by those not actually providing daily caregiving.
How do we prevent potentially long-lasting impacts on family relationships during periods of caregiving? For starters, understand every single part that goes into caregiving, and more importantly, all of the potential impacts to the caregiver and their family. Next, communicate, communicate, communicate. Even in the best of situations, it is often easy not to discuss every detail of what is happening with the care of loved ones. These little details can have a big impact on relationships. Make everyone aware of what needs to be done and decide who will do what in order to help. Even in an ideal situation, rarely will the duties be equal. That’s fine, as long as everyone understands who is doing what.
I would go a step further to say that your estate planning should reflect those providing the care to be treated fairly versus equally in estate distribution. Some people feel as though the more someone sacrifices, the more they should be “made whole.” This is a controversial topic. Caregivers often refuse that idea because they “aren’t doing it for the money.” While I totally understand this way of thinking, I’d be remiss if I didn’t also say that the vast majority of the time that hard feelings surface, it is when those who did little to help mom and dad also expect an equal share of the estate that they sacrificed little to nothing for. This is by far the most common time when tensions arise. While caregivers don’t do it for money, they often feel unappreciated for their sacrifices when treated like everyone else after the fact. Discussing this in advance and maintaining open and honest communication along the way can potentially alleviate these hard feelings in the future and protect family harmony.
Securities offered through Kestra Investment Services, LLC (Kestra IS), member FINRA/SIPC. Investment advisory services offered through Kestra Advisory Services, LLC (Kestra AS), an affiliate of Kestra IS. Reich Asset Management, LLC is not affiliated with Kestra IS or Kestra AS. The opinions expressed in this commentary are those of the author and may not necessarily reflect those held by Kestra Investment Services, LLC or Kestra Advisory Services, LLC. This is for general information only and is not intended to provide specific investment advice or recommendations for any individual. It is suggested that you consult your financial professional, attorney, or tax advisor with regard to your individual situation. To view form CRS, visit https://bit.ly/KF-Disclosures.
Eric is President and founder of Reich Asset Management, LLC. He relies on his 25 years of experience to help clients have an enjoyable retirement. He is a Certified Financial Planner™ and Certified Investment Management AnalystSM (CIMA®) and has earned his Chartered Life Underwriter® (CLU®) and Chartered Financial Consultant® (ChFC®) designations.
