I am hoping some of the knowledge I gained as a funeral director can help you recapture some joy through the holidays. The final and most important thing is to take care of yourself. Avoid using alcohol to self-medicate your mood. Physical exercise is often an antidote for depression so take a brisk walk in the cold winter air. You could try writing in a journal as an outlet for your grief or give yourself permission to buy something frivolous and indulgent, just because. There is nothing wrong with a Christmas gift for yourself. I will recommend that you don’t do more than you want, and don’t do anything that does not serve your soul and your feelings of loss. You should allow time to express all of your feelings. Don’t keep them bottled up. If you have a thousand tears to cry, then cry and don’t stop at five hundred. You want to allow others to help you if you are grief stricken. Remember we all need help at certain times in our lives. I will remind you to be gentle with yourself and give yourself grace. You are not weird for feeling the way you do because “everyone” around you is happy due to the holiday season. You are by no means alone in your perspective.
It is because of this common need to express loss during the holidays that my firm has been holding an annually Memorial Tree Lighting Service for the past eighteen years. The service is meant to recognize the loss of loved ones by anyone in our community. It acknowledges the loss, and it helps people realize that they are not alone in their feelings and that in fact there are many people that are dealing with the exact same thing. At these services I have witnessed multiple families tell the story of their loss and they truly feel heard and more importantly understood. I am sure that if you look around your local community you will find similar services or events.
For those of you reading this article and are not dealing with grief during the holiday’s but know someone who is I strongly urge you to reach out to them. My advice is don’t ask if you can help or should you help a friend in grief. Just help them. Find ways to invite them to group events or just out for a cup of coffee or cocoa. Also, when it comes to children pay extra attention to them during the holidays because children are too often the forgotten grievers.
Holidays are clearly some of the roughest terrains we navigate after a loss. Finding meaning in the loss is as individual as we are. We often say a part of us died with them, but finding meaning is also realizing a part of them still lives within us. What is vitally important is that we be present for the loss in whatever form the holidays do or don’t take. Getting through the holidays is part of the grieving journey that we must undertake. They can be very sad, but sometimes we may catch ourselves doing okay, and we may even have a moment of laughter, or even a smile.
The last thing I learned myself is that it takes time. Grief never truly goes away, especially during the holidays, but it does lessen in time. I hope this article helps any of you who are battling grief during this season or know someone that is dealing with it. Again, if you do know someone coping with grief, please share this article with them in the hopes of helping them in any way possible. Also, if any of you have any specific questions or issues that you would like me to talk about, please reach out to me at Jeffries and Keates Funeral Home, 228 Infield Ave., Northfield, NJ 08225 or call at 609-646-3400. I wish all of you Happy Holidays and I will see you in the next article.
Andrew B. Hoffman is a funeral director at Jeffries and Keates and Keates-Plum Funeral Homes. He is a twenty-two year veteran of the funeral industry.
