By Andrew Hoffman
In last week’s article, I wrote about the first of three points of view that come into play with funerals. Let’s continue with the perspective of the mourner. I’d like to share my own experience, not as a funeral director but of a mourner as I attended a funeral of a friend. As I got closer to his family, I reflected on what I wanted to say to his loved ones.
There are so many people who don’t go to viewings or services because they are terrified as to what they are going to say or what they should say. This is a selfish reason not to go, as I will explain later.
I was there because the friend who had passed was older than me and was a funeral director like me. When I was going through my divorce, he specifically came to me and took me out to lunch. At the lunch he asked me how I was doing, and I was very honest with him that I was not doing well at all. Instead of saying “well next time just say you are fine and smile” he proceeded to ask me thoughtful questions. He asked what was the hardest thing about it and then listened to my answers. He cared about what I was saying, and he offered feedback. He even opened up about his own divorce and how it made him feel and what he did to get through it. It was nice to hear from a person who was a man, in the same profession, and went through the same things I went through. In that moment he was a true friend and mentor. This was what I felt I had to say to his family. I felt it was important to tell them this because their loved one made a difference in my life and threw me a lifeline when I was drowning in life. It meant something! It is important to note that I had never met any of his family. I wouldn’t know them if I passed them on the street and they certainly didn’t know me. But that did not and does not matter, because I introduced myself and told them they didn’t know me. Then I shared my experience with them and told them that he helped me at a dark time in my life and he made a difference to me personally. They all teared up and I felt emotional as well. I then went to the casket (which was closed) and prayed and said my goodbyes to my friend. I left the room and as strange as it sounds, I felt good. I felt like I had done my duty or responsibility as a friend and a member of the human race. The family could add another memory (my story) to all the other positive and good stories/memories they had of their loved one. I felt that I had honored him properly and did something positive in the loss of his life. This is the value of a funeral.
Thanks for reading this second part as we discuss the importance of a funeral. Next week, we’ll switch up the point of view to the loved one’s family.
Andrew B. Hoffman is a funeral director at Jeffries and Keates and Keates-Plum Funeral Homes. He is a twenty-two year veteran of the funeral industry.
