Senior Moments
By Charles P. Eberson
A Senior’s Observations, Opinions and Rantings
Hanukkah, Christmas and New Year’s can be wonderful times of the year with families and friends joining together in celebrations accompanied by plenty of sumptuous meals, drinks and of course, cookies. But for many people feelings of sorrow or grief that we may have managed to push down in order to function effectively on a daily basis bubbles to the surface during the holidays. There may be empty seats at the table or you no longer having to shop for a gift for that special person for example. While I do not purport myself to be an expert in the field of psychology, I have more than a passing interest in emotions associated with grief having lost family and friends very dear to me. It is my intent here to offer some measure of comfort to readers who may be going through difficult times during these holidays and while I have gleaned information from what I consider to be trusted sources, i.e., Psychology Today and AARP it is by no means to be interpreted as medical advice or treatment by a healthcare professional.
Here are some strategies that may help:
Grief is the process by which you heal. It takes time. Constantly trying to escape it or numbing it with alcohol only prolongs the anguish. You may not want to participate in a holiday with all of its celebrations. If this is the case, plan some alternate comforting activities but let someone know what you will be doing. Suggest to someone close that they check in with you on that day.
Acknowledge those who have passed on by participating in a related holiday ritual in his or her memory such as lighting candles, making a donation in their name or planting a tree for example.
You may feel a wide range of emotions during this time. It’s easy to fall into a focus on the sadness, horror or anger. Allow yourself to feel emotions without judging yourself. Accept the inevitable ups and downs; joy one moment and gut wrenching sadness the next. Holding in pent up emotions is not healthy. If you want to cry, it’s okay to cry. You may want to write emotions in a journal.
Try channeling your energies in positive ways. Perform acts of kindness. Volunteering, donating gifts, serve meals at a soup kitchen, etc.
Set healthy boundaries. You decide what activities you want to participate in. Don’t feel obligated to take part in things that you can’t handle. If you decide to participate, drive yourself so you don’t feel trapped and are free to leave whenever you want. Limit holiday parties to small gatherings with closest friends and family. Surround yourself with positivity.
Anticipation is sometimes worse than the actual events. Plan comforting events weeks before the holiday so you have something to look forward to. Create realistic expectations for yourself but most of all, be gentle with yourself.
Accept that things have changed. The holidays will never be same as they were and this will help manage expectations. Choose to create new memories. Go to a new location for family gatherings, attend the theater, travel, invite friends over.
Talk with loved ones about your emotions. If you want, share with them about your loss and invite them to share any stories of loss they may have. Often people are reluctant to mention the deceased for fear of upsetting you.
Look for simple pleasures to enjoy; one tiny thing each day for which you can be grateful. Focus on small things in your life that will bring you some peace and happiness. Think about your loved ones who are still with you and even the small pleasures like tastes, smells and sounds that are comforting.
Don’t be afraid to ask for help. While sharing the difficult time you are going through with loved ones may be enough, you may need more support. Support groups are available or you can contact a professional counselor to help you with your grief.
Grieving is one of the most universal of all experiences. You are not alone.
I sincerely hope most of my readers do not have to deal with grief at all let alone during the holiday season but if so, may your joy outshine your sadness. May your peace overshadow your strife and serenity replace your unrest.
