By Charles P Eberson
As parents, I believe we try and prepare our children to eventually go out and meet the world with all of its challenges using the tools we have so painstakingly put in place. Lately, it has become painfully evident that I have failed in one important area with my son: how to settle disputes with your marriage partner. I admit, though, that I am far from an expert on the matter. There is no manual such as “How to Argue with Your Wife for Dummies,” which could go one of two ways: either the shortest book in history or in volumes like the Encyclopedia Britannica. I would suggest my own version: “How to Lose and Still Preserve a Shred of Dignity.” I would think he learned a little just by being around us, but either he was too young to take notice or was away at college during a period I refer to as “the volatile times.” There probably isn’t a more fitting relationship for me than what my wife and I have had for close to forty years, but there have been times of tragedy and hardships that have prompted both of us to almost hit the EJECT button. In the end, counseling and love saw us through.
Just like there is the Geneva Convention for rules of war, there are rules for arguments that, although not written, should be observed if one is going to have a long, peaceful life. My son has been married for almost 7 years and has been learning this through trial by fire. He realizes where he first went wrong was when during one argument he told his wife to “calm down.” He immediately saw the error of his ways and relegated that comment to the NEVER SAY THAT list. Since then, he has added to the list “you have to take care of your own things,” then there is “you are just like your mother” and the ever popular “pump the brakes.” One of my own indiscretions was during what I perceived as a long, shall we say, difference of opinion. I said, “We are done here.” To which my wife replied: “Oh, you think we’re done? I haven’t even gotten started yet.” My son’s list remains a living, breathing document constantly being added to and revised as time goes on.
Truth be told, we husbands probably deserve much of what is handed to us because, speaking for myself, I sometimes get lost in my own head: quite often not a pleasant place. There are times when I don’t even enjoy my own company, but I have learned and am still learning. Winning a war is only temporary, but battles and truces can last a lifetime if you are fortunate.
Charles Eberson has been in the newspaper business for over 25 years. He has worked as a writer, advertising executive, circulation manager and photographer. His photography can be viewed at charles-eberson.fineartamerica.com
