By Krystle J. Bailey
We’ve all heard the cries for attention from our little people: “Mommy, watch this!” or “Mommy, look!” They’re vying for our attention to show us their newest ballerina spin, a video on Youtube, or how they can blow spit bubbles. Sometimes it can be hard to look up every time our kids demand a response. Whether we are distracted with housework, our phones, or just “Mommy-ed out” for the day, it isn’t uncommon for us moms to feel distracted, exhausted, or a combination of the two. Shefali Tsabary’s The Awakened Family offers advice on how to nurture children’s self-esteem for moms who are trying their best despite distractions. Even amidst everything calling for our attention, we can help kids feel seen, worthy, and like they matter.
None of us are perfect moms. When you love these humans as much as we do, it constantly feels like we are not doing enough. I’m a firm believer that if you love them unconditionally and show up the best way that you know how, then you are most definitely doing more than enough.
That being said, as a mother, I do not hesitate to improve my parenting skills. Since we have been home with each other for months and will be for the foreseeable future, I’ve been trying like never before to put my best mommy foot forward. With the world in disarray, it’s more important than ever to make home a safe and nurturing place to be.
In my efforts to level up my parenting, I recently picked up the book The Awakened Family by Shefali Tsabary. Throughout the chapters, Tsabary touches on various topics that all draw on the idea of nurturing the individuality of our children.
In Chapter two, Tsabary describes that children have an innate need to know three basic things: whether they are seen, whether they are worthy, and whether they matter.
Though I’ve always wanted my home to feel like a safe haven for my children, a worldwide pandemic definitely took that focus and intention to new heights. With these three basic needs in mind, I have been working to shift the way that I operate at home. Am I perfect? Absolutely not. But I want to share with you some ways that I am working to change for the betterment of my family in hopes that it may spark something for you and your family.
I am the first person to admit that I am guilty of being too busy and missing moments. I’m the first one to tell you that I have been too distracted on more than one occasion when it comes to my children. We are doing more than ever as moms these days and it’s a challenge for all of us.
My cell phone is the biggest distraction in my life. Since trying to be more present, I’ve deleted my Facebook off of my phone months ago. I periodically delete my Instagram app as well when it feels too consuming. This has freed up so much time where my addicted little fingers would be scrolling a mindless newsfeed and distracted from what is in front of me. I often find myself losing my cell phone somewhere in the house, which is something I have never done in the past because it was always in my hand. I am finding myself needing less and less of my cellphone as I lean more and more into what is happening in my home. When I am on my phone or computer and my children call my name, I’ve been more intentional about looking up at the first beckon for my attention to at least communicate with them that I will give them my undivided attention in just a moment.
Once I’ve heard the new joke or watched the new trick my kids show me, if I need to return to my laptop or phone I’ve been sharing with them what I am up to. For example, right before I sat down to write this article, my 10-year-old came to snuggle. I put my phone down and rubbed her back then explained to her that mommy has a deadline and I was trying to brainstorm what I would write about today, then asked if she had any ideas for me. As I was writing, she sat down next to me and I asked her to look up the definition of a word for me to include her in what I was working on. Not only did she feel included and worthy, but she also learned a new vocab word. Once she was bored, I told her to practice piano for a little while so I can finish on time and that we would meet in my bed later for some bedtime snuggles.
One of my biggest struggles as a mother has been my yelling. From the moment I realized we wouldn’t be leaving each other any time soon, I knew that I’d have to work on my temper. In The Awakened Family, Tsabary explains that a majority of our reactivity as parents stems from childhood emotion and our inability to deal with or heal from those emotions. Just that simple concept has shifted my thinking when I want to react to my children in a negative way. The more you know, the better you do.
I held onto that concept and now when I feel like reacting, more often than not, I am challenged to ask myself if my reaction is more about me or them. Usually, I find that there is nothing to be that upset about. When I do fall short, because I definitely do, I am willing to fall on my own sword and apologize. I think there is great power in the willingness to apologize to our children when necessary. A simple “Can we start over?” holds more power than you can imagine.
We have been working on quite a bit in our home. To give one more example, we’ve shifted the thinking about chores. I’ve had conversations with my 10 and 5-year-old about being members of our household and that together, we need to make this space an enjoyable place to exist. Part of that is cleanliness. I’ve shifted from demanding that they pick up their toys to empowering them to be an active member of our home. I explained to them that I need them as much as they need me and that together, we are a team. We work together to make our home happy. I’ve also shown them that when they help, that frees up more time for mommy to do other things with them. This has been working effectively and even though I still have to ask them to help more often than not, the fight seems to be less and less. A cleaner home results in a more relaxed mom, a more open space for learning and growing, and more time for togetherness.
Listen, I am so far from a perfect mom. There’s a meme on social media that says “I do not have my ducks in a row. I do not have a row. I have squirrels and they’re at a rave!” That is how I’ve described my life on more than a few occasions. My life is messy. Life, in general, is messy. We do not have to have it all together but together, we can have it all.
I just hope to inspire and empower another mom through my words. I hope that you find something in my weekly columns that speaks to you or makes you lift your chin a little bit higher as a mother. This parenting game is not for the faint of heart but you, my Shore Local Mom friend, are doing incredible. Keep on keeping on!
Until next time,
Krystle
Krystle J Bailey. Multimedia journalist, Author, Poet
KrystleJBailey.com
